Apologies to my readers - all three of you - for my many, many day absence. There's no excuse; were this a reputable news outlet, I'd most certainly have long since been fired for neglect of professional duties. Thankfully, it's not. I'm still the boss of me.
Also, before I jump into this, a note. I just a
massive plate of "chicken leg rice" at a restaurant down the street, and am about twenty minutes into a carbo-coma. So, please have patience with any typos or incongruous sentences.
By now, I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this is aware I've started classes, and switched into the intensive class Friday before last. I'm still struggling to get back on my feet after the initial full-body language blast of the first few days. It's a no-holds-barred, all-Chinese-all-the-time, ego-bruising three hours of fun. Last week, we turned in our topics for the semester project, which is a full-length report on a series of street interviews we are to do on a selected topic. Mine is a semi-awkward mix of the topic I originally chose, Sino-Taiwanese relations, and that suggested to me by my teacher, Taiwanese views of foreigners and foreign nations. The latter seems like it might simply degenerate into a topical study of Taiwanese prejudice, and I'm not too interested. So, I'm hybridizing. Our list of proposed questions is due to the teacher tomorrow.
Speaking of school, as I walk to and from everyday, I pass through an all-Chinese neighborhood on foot and, while most people ignore me or stare at me when I'm not looking, there's one fellow at an appliance store who's taken a (non-homosexual) shine to me. It started with an innocent "Ni hao," and by this past Friday, had progressed to a point at which he feels comfortable talking to me about all sorts of inappropriate things. That day, as I ambled past, he stopped me to talk, and shortly thereafter began asking, "you have girlfriend Taiwan?"
Nope, I don't. Nor, since seems to be offering his matchmaking services, am I interested in anyone he might plan to send my way. He was amazed that I was/am single, and expressed with certainty that getting a lovely lass at my side would take little more than a snap of the fingers. As he was saying this, he attempted to reinforce his argument by pointing out the hair on my chest, a sure sign of a "real man," he said, and a big draw for the ladyfolk here.
Then, strangely, he switched the conversation to the the topic of corn. Yes, the delicious vegetable. I couldn't figure out why, but after he began a long series of vulgar gesticulations and started grabbing his crotch in a most gruesome manner, I finally understood his meaning. He believed himself to be pointing out one of the physiological advantages of Western birth.
Yikes. At this point, I'm hideously weirded out, and more than a little wary of what might be coming next, so I forced a graceful dismount and walked away, beet-red in the face. As a parting shot, the fellow tells me about his old college major, "zuo ai," or "love-making." I might have to find a new route to school.
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What else, what else...
Oh, the language. Also known as "The Reason I'm Here." I think I've been making some decent progress, especially recently, since I'm able to understand ever more of Taiwan TV broadcasts, and am become much more adept at eavesdropping on the conversations of passersby. Why, just this afternoon, as I went for a sweltering, muggy, cramp-inducing run in a riverside park, a young kid scooted past me on his training wheels, turned and saw me, and started singing. The song had only one word: "Laowai, laowai, laowai." Or, when translated, "foreigner, foreigner, foreigner." Classic.
Like I said, to boost my language abilities, I've been forcing myself to watch a lot of TV. Recently I found a pretty cool sitcom, very popular here on the island, called "mingzhongzhuding wo ai ni," or "I Was Predestined to Love You." It's a standard story of the meek, beautiful girl rescued by the super-cool-but-confused Mr. Right, except that in the first episode, she got dizzy from cold medicine, and he from being poisoned, and they mistakenly ended up in the same room (they're on a cruise, but don't know each other) and and lost their respective virginities. Each assumed that the other was their lover, and not, as it turned out, a total stranger. Oops. The second episode involves an unwanted pregnancy, so I'm stoked to see what happens next.
* * *
Ok, that should be enough to satisfy the critics. I'm exhausted, and still have to get some more work done on my questions for school, as well as recommence the vocabulary and grammar review I started earlier.
Bryan, out.
